Category: Humor
Inspiring/Funny/Interesting Links
A mom shows us what she thinks her infant daughter is dreaming about via Design Mom
Robot shows us that humans have compassion
The new David after the Dentist
Perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen
What happens when you tell your mom that you’re really high via Melissa at Sarcomical
Have any inspiring/funny/interesting links? Leave a comment or send me an email, and if I choose to feature it in my next link post I’ll link back to you.
A Present For The Internet*
* Especially for Metalia
Last night I had a Twitter conversation with Metalia in which I admitted that I had been in a child pageant. I feel like after she did this for me I owed her, and to be honest after blogging for almost 7 years, I’m not really sure why I’ve never spoken about this before.
I was 12. I think I saw the pageant advertised in a magazine. I begged my mom to let me send in an application. She let me.
I was chosen to be one of the contestants in the Pageant.
After arriving at the luxurious Holiday Inn in Suffern, New York we realized that they pageant organizers pretty much accepted anyone who filled out an application. These girls were not exactly the pick of the litter.
Myself included:
This was the outfit we had to wear for the opening dance number. I believe the word you are looking for is “jaunty”.
The pageant was run by the gayest man on the planet. Who was married. To a WOMAN. And had three kids.
For the talent competition I danced to Do You Love Me because I was obsessed with the movie Dirty Dancing. I am a good dancer when it comes to shaking my ass at a club, but horrible at choreography, so I basically got up on stage and ad-libbed. And because I was obsessed with Dirty Dancing, I danced like the people in Dirty Dancing, which means I lifted up my skirt and flirted with the judges.
I won the talent competition. Sex sells! (OH MY GOD I WAS 12.)
I also won “Miss Photogenic”, which if you look at the photographs will further my earlier statement- slim pickings.
For the evening gown portion of the pageant my hair was the star of the show:
The hair and the flirting with the judges must have worked because I won. I was “Miss American Sweetheart”.
Not only did I win, but like any good pageant participant, I ugly cried when they announced my name and pinned the crown to my head. I cried for two reasons- 1) I was EXHAUSTED and 2) To be honest- I was going through an awkward phase and had no self esteem, so winning actually meant something to me.
Shortly after I won the pageant I had to ride on a float in the Columbus Day Parade in Manhattan. Sounds like fun, right? Try holding your arm up and waving for three hours straight. I couldn’t lift my arm the next day.
I also made an appearance on The Joe Franklin Show during which Joe asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I responded “That’s kind of personal”. (OH MY GOD I WAS SO OBNOXIOUS.)
The next year I had to go back to host, and things were a lot different. I was 13 now, bitches. I was too cool for this pageant. I was such an ungrateful asshole. I would show you pictures, especially of the head-to-toe blue taffeta gown that my mother had custom made for me, but I refused to let her take any pictures. I was America’s Fucking Sweetheart after all.
Things I’m “Supposed” To Like, But Don’t
Off the top of my head-
Movies:
Get Shorty
Heat
Star Wars
Juno
Casablanca
My Own Private Idaho
O Brother Where Art Thou
Food and Drink:
Wine
Beer
Olives
Goat Cheese
Onions
Black Pepper
Cooked Fruit
Coffee
Music:
Alicia Keys
Def Leopard
Morrisey
The Cure
Bruce Springsteen
TV:
Law and Order
Books:
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Shakespeare
I’m sure the minute I post this I’ll think of more, but that’s all I could think of now.
What are yours?
Things I’m Enjoying
Here’s a feature that I’m carrying over from the old blog- I collect links to things I’m enjoying. If you leave a link in the comments that i use in a future post, I’ll link back to you.
Enjoy!
The Pursuit of Happyness via Metalia
Pale is the new tan
Friends of irony
Why it’s better to pretend you don’t know anything about computers
Bluetooth Douchebags
Top ten developments
Christmas shoes
Back to the land
Got “organic” milk?
The climate denial industry is out to dupe the public, and it’s working
Unnecessary Quotes
Ikea Hacker
Top ten animal videos
Your tattoo sucks
